Initiation

The beginning is wherever

The beginning is wherever you decide

to say yes simply because it feels right.

It comes with a feeling but not with a sight.

The beginning is where your spirit ignites.

The beginning is wherever you decide

that urge is enough to swim with the tide

where audacity shoves the worry aside

The beginning is where you stand up to the mind.

The beginning is wherever you decide

that you still withhold the right to decline

anything that makes you feel confined

The beginning is simply drawing the line.

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Processing in the public eye, always invites the question, "When did you start?" I never answered the same way twice. I used to feel confused and pressured by the question. I feel like I started when I was born. I remember vivid elementary school phases. Then I remember brief cycles of passion between that age and high school and the excitement of buying my first paint set with my own money when I was 18 and rediscovering self in my 20's and feeling like my first time ever expressing myself. Even though it was always tied to my identity, in my experience there are infinite beginnings, so the answer just depends on whatever angle is relevant. For the sake of this series, I'll start at my first literal Yes.

My First Yes was accepting the invitation to do live art at a friend's event. I often referred to it as the point where I found the audacity to accept the title of an artist. I initially asked how I can help her prepare and she asked me to participate. I told her I didn't know where to begin and she said just show up. So, I did. She set up an easel for me with paints and brushes and let me choose my substrate. I chose a blue skateboard deck because it was the least intimidating and the most exciting and relevant to our friendship (we met skating).

I spent the first hour stalling, painting the same 3 swirls of contemplation. There was another artist there that obviously had time in the game. He had a style and it came with direction. He wasn't taking ten minutes to decide on a color. and as soon as he finished a shape, he was outlining another. He had a comfort I admired. I expressed that as we talked and painted and eventually the swirls created flowers. I was a little ashamed that something so simple took hours but others who experienced it didn't see that I felt stuck. It became obvious that my presence was enough. I had such inspiring interactions that night. I remember feeling so grateful afterwards that I got an invite. Even if I never finished the painting, I'm grateful that I showed up and brought something to life.